1) He has managed to lock himself in a dog cage at ages 3, 7 and 15. One might ask why? Possible answers: attention whore or f*cking stupid.

2) The man started his "career" as a marketing and advertising rep for a Blind and Window treatment company. While he might be quick to point on his "successful" movie PA career the man once could name 20 different shades of red. Also btw you PA'd on TDK, you didn't make it. It's not a personal slight when the movie gets shafted come awards season. Oh has he mentioned he worked on that yet? No? Count yourself lucky since he manages to work that into every other conversation he has.

3) I'm glad you enjoy the city of angels but the rest of us have -15 degree weather. Stop complaining about it hitting 90 when it was a chilly 55 in the morning or I swear to God I will punch you in your surprisingly accurate avatar teeth.

4) If you take a gander at his PQ you'll see Mr. Emu (or Paul <gasp> as his first name is!) spends most of his time laughing at cartoons we've all seen, commercials he's too lazy to forward the DVR past (seriously stop that) and clips where he thinks that having a serious WTF moment is the same as being funny. It's not. Stop trying to make like it is.

5) You sir are a fine gentleman and everyone should know it. I don't know why we rarely end up living in the same place, but that needs to stop. It's always pleasure to see you but know this one day I'm going to be the one who pushes you over the edge and wipes that constant smirk off your face but until then keep going because, seriously, I want to be the one.

For everyone else: it's not hard to take him down a notch. Just think of your most awkward social moment and say it out loud, because he's probably done it...today...and will tell you about it...again.